Friday, January 31, 2014

Become an Agent #15 - CHASING THE SUN

Title: Chasing the Sun
Genre: Urban Fantasy with Romantic Elements
Word Count: 70,000

Dear Agent,

Boring was what Terran did best – house, job, dog, friends – rinse and repeat. She never knew demigods existed, or that you could journey to other realms, manipulate nature with your mind, or that the dead weren’t really gone at all, but instead existed in the Underworld. No, she lived the mundane life of any twenty-seven-year-old Alaskan girl…until she met Aiden, the Phoenix tasked with watching her from afar.

When Terran’s well-intentioned best friends trick her into meeting the gorgeous new local art gallery owner, Aiden, she had no idea their fiery relationship would set an ancient Egyptian prophecy in motion, triggering her demigod powers and whirling her into her destiny as the prophesied Protector of the Veil.

With her powers no longer masked, the god of Chaos is hot on her heels. The ultimate destruction as his prize, Chaos seeks to rip the veil that separates the living and the dead in order to unleash the Forgotten, a vile group of creatures who thrive on death and annihilation, capable of destroying both of the realms that have rightfully imprisoned them for millennia.

With Aiden as her guide, Terran must dive into a world she never knew existed and embrace her birthright to protect the veil…even if that means giving her life to do it.

Chasing the Sun will gain the attention of lovers of the Fever Series by Karen Moning.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

First 250:

“Pluck a Duck!” I yelled as my grip slipped and the fifty-pound bag of fertilizer crashed down onto my big toe. Today was repotting day at the Green Mountain Nursery and I volunteered for the messy task. Considering my other option, tending to the rich and needy…I’d choose potting plants any day of the week.

I planted my rump on the ground and huffed in irritation at my clumsiness. Using my other foot to kick the oversize bag away, I watched it tumble over and waved my arms in victory, cheering for myself as if I’d won some epic battle over the bag.

“Ha!” I gloated… then sheepishly checked the room for an audience. Whew, all clear.

‘Terran: line two. Terran: line two,’ the intercom sputtered. Great. I stood brushing the dirt from my pants hoping that it wasn’t a client on the line. Today was a day for avoidance.

“This is Terran.” I answered in the most cheerful voice I could muster.

“Yo. It’s M.” It would have been better if it had been a client. Micah never called me at work unless she had a scheme going.

“Hey, Micah. What’s up?”

"So, I got this awesome sculpture from Fire’s Breath Glass yesterday. You mind meeting me there after you get off work? I want another piece and I could really use your advice on what would look best in the yard. Totally my new favorite store!”

Yep, something was in the works. Micah always spoke with the quickness of an auctioneer, but the extra squeal of glee was undeniable.


  1. No.

    I am saying no because I think prophecies are overdone. However, the query is quite good; clearly and simply set up. I have a problem with the last line, specifically "...Terran must dive into..." Don't tell us what she must do, tell us what she IS going to do. Make her proactive. Be sure to include word count and genre within the query.

    Good writing. Good voice. But is this the correct place to begin your novel? The setting didn't hook me, but the writing did.

  2. (Entry #13)
    Your query just didn't grab me. Your story is okay, but it isn't pulling me in the way I want it to.

  3. #21 No. I like what you've done but I do think the Query needs to be tightened up as you introduced too many things in such a short space. I also have no idea how old the MC is. I think it's YA or NA but with either one of those the "Pluck a duck" just doesn't fit.

  4. Yes.

    I love the idea. I like the writing and the voice. I would at least request a few more pages to see what her friend is up to... but I would want the pages to tie into the query FAST. I also thought that the last line of the third paragraph in the query is a little clunky, so you may want to consider reworking it.

  5. No. The idea is interesting, but the query was too vague. What world is she diving into? Also, your opening hook is too long. Cut it down. It could be a preference thing, but to me, a hook is quick and sweet. #10

  6. No. I didn't connect with the writing. As I read the query, I didn't feel like I was reading something with a 27 y/o protag. These characters seem way younger than that.

  7. Yes,
    I like the query, I think the idea is good. The voice in the first 250 drew me in.

  8. No. The hook really didn't get me because if boring is the first thing you tell me about the character, I feel bored. That said, the romance aspect sounds really fun! And I think your writing in the query is really solid. I have a really hard time judging first 250. I feel like something really important is just a little further into the conversation, which means I would keep reading, but I wasn't "wowed" with it.

  9. Query:
    I really liked your query. You did a great job at explaining the world, Terren’s abilities and purpose, the LI and the stakes. I don’t have much to say. I do agree with the other commenters that you could cut it down (it is a bit long) but I think I understood what was happening. This could possibly be because I read a lot of UF, so the genre and storytelling conventions are well-known to me. It also takes a bit more set-up for UF than other genres. I suggest you find a few other readers for your query and see what the majority opinion is.

    First 250:
    I can say this: I would continue reading. I know this is UF and your query gave me a general idea of what I’m getting into, so I’m interested enough. But without the query, I don’t know if I’d continue. In truth, your first 250 are probably never going to be alone. But a lot of UF I’ve read can draw a reader in within the first few sentences. Some start with snappy foreshadowing, while others throw us more into the action. As long as you get to the magical stuff within the first chapter, I think you’ll be fine.

    Overall, your character’s voice is good (though I’m iffy about the duck plucking swear) and so is your writing. No major issues stood out to me.

    Verdict: Yes.

    I think your query made sense, as did your first 250. Both drew me in and make me want to continue reading. I am a lover of UF, though, so I’d pretty much read anything in the genre. Take that into consideration.

    Good luck!
    -Tiff (#3)

  10. No--the tense isn't consistent in the query, making me think the book will be the same way.